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A Date With OhKami’s Voice

February 15, 2011

Hey there interweb people! I’m hoping everyone had a very happy Valentines Day and noone was forced to break any hearts… Usually most bloggers would be diligent in their holiday postings and have pre-holiday well wishes for the world with advice for unconventional ideas to avoid the monotonous nature of “dinner and a movie”. Well, it’s a good thing you’re not reading those blogs right now…

I have a slightly different formula in mind. I figured since this was my very first Valentines Day with an actual date, I wasn’t fully qualified to give pre-vday advice. I know it may be a little sad that for the first twenty years of my life, my mother was the only one sending me heart-felt messages with chocolate kisses and chalky heart messages, but I’m ok with it (mostly). Now that I’ve confessed to the world my romantic inadequacies, I can move on to my redemption.

I’ve always loved taking all the boring, over-done, cliche crap that’s been circulating the planet since the invention of apple pie, and hitting the refresh button. That’s what I’m going to help all of you future vday studs with today…

I’m quite sure every girl in the world has been asked out to dinner and a movie by some guy who they honestly can’t remember what they looked like until he came over to pick them up… So now what we want to do is suprise the pants off of her with your creativity and thoughtfulness. There’s only a few things you’ll need to do…

First, LISTEN TO HER!!!
one of the biggest mistakes most guys make is not paying attention… I can’t tell you how many times I’ve met a girl and asked her name only to forget it 30 seconds later due to my short attention span… But after you remember her name and start really talking to each other you should pick up all the tiny details she unknowingly throws out… For example: if she says, “I hate flowers.” or “I’m allergic to chocolate.” DON’T SHOW UP WITH A BOQUET OF ROSES AND A GHIRADELLI SAMPLER! That’s strike one, buddy. Try showing up with some

Step two, BE CREATIVE!!!
Girls love that stuff. Not only will it make her happy; it’ll save you some money if you do it right… If your stuck on getting her a box of chocolates and some flowers then do something interesting with it. I would suggest buying a light colored floral bandanda or scarf (get one of your female or gay friends to help you out if you need have no clue what you’re doing) and some nice individually wrapped chocolates. You should probably taste the chocolates first just to make sure they aren’t too weird. Be simple an don’t get too fancy with the flavors (simple milk chocolate works). Grab a balloon in the shape of a flower or try something new and attempt a few orgami flowers if you feel daring (you can google the instructions). Once you have all of your pieces, stack the chocolates in the scarf and stick the flowers in the middle then tie everything up with the flowers sticking out. I promise she’ll love it (and she might even share the candy with you).

Number 3, KEEP THE SPARK GOING!!!
one huge mistake that’s made after dinner is actually going to the movie… Suprised? YES, going to the movies is a mistake… YOU CANT TALK IN A MOVIE THEATER!!! if dinner goes well and you’re having great conversation, don’t stop it. Going somewhere that talking is frowned upon is a bad idea… RENT A MOVIE… Before she gets there find a few great movie choices with a lot of range. There’s nothing worse than planning things out and then throwing on a movie she hates (she won’t be having fun anymore). After dinner you could either go back to your place, turn on the movie, make her a drink, pop some popcorn, and turn it into a theater. OR, if your feeling daring (and you have a bit of money burning a hole in your pocket), go rent a small theater or find a drive in where it can just be the two of you… Now you can talk to each other and if you ever get to one of those akward silences, you can watch the movie… IT’S PERFECT…

It’s time for a recap…
1. Listen
2. Be creative
3. Keep the spark going
There are tons of things you can do to make your night loads of fun and maybe even get a goodnight kiss… But just remember to be yourself… Not every date is going to be perfect and it’s best to just roll with the punches… Think fast and don’t forget to let your date participate in some of the date (that’s why having options is important). Good luck for next year and any future dates… HAVE FUN!!! (that probably should have been the first thing I said)

Lex
OhKami’s Voice

Ignore the Sirens

February 7, 2011

Remember those fire drills that everyone seemed to welcome with open arms back in grade school. Your teacher would be prattling on about why you should give a damn about math and, you can’t seem to stop wondering why Bugs Bunny never seems to make that turn at Albuquerque. She hands out a works sheet full of multiplication tables and just as you finally come to terms with dropping out of elementary school… EH EH EH EH! The fire alarm goes off! THANK GOD! Wishes really do come true. Ms. Teacher Lady wrangles up all the little people she can find, does a head count and then frantically directs you toward what you consider extra recess… Those were the days. The days when fire alarms actually worked…

The other night I had a very annoying encounter with a very late fire alarm. After a night full of super bowl fun and frenzy, I eventually reconcile my manhood from a devestating 31-25 loss to the packers (go steelers?), stuck a band-aid on my pride and, went to bed at about 1 a.m….
EH EH EH! At around four in the morning the F*****G fire alarm goes off… There aren’t very many sounds more annoying than a fire alarm that early in the morning. But, at four a.m., I’m pretty sure 72 virgins dressed in white pajamas singing Hail Mary over a halleluja chorus would make me want to punch a puppy.

Contrary to popular belief, getting up and saving your ass isn’t the first thing that pops into your sleep deprived little mind when you see the big red 4:00 am on your clock radio. It’s more along the lines of “shoot me now (or who ever is making that noise).” So, for about twenty minutes I try and ignore it and almost successfully fall back to sleep before I’m woken up by a roomate who is a bit more fire alarm savvy than I… I get up grab a jacket and leave my apartment, eventually. We get half way down the stairs when we meet a group of girls freaking out and screaming “ITS A REAL FIRE !!! THE COPS SAID GET YOUR BOOKS!!!” the first thing that went through my head was “If there’s a fire then why the hell am I saving my books?… WHAT ABOUT MY TV?!?!?!”

Don’t worry guys I made the right decision. I saved my laptop but, threw a blanket over my tv just in case the sprinklers decided they wanted to join the fun. Smart, right? I later realized that unplugging the television is also a necessary step in preserving it if sprinklers go off but, that’s beside the point….

This story is getting a bit long so I’ll start wrapping things up. We left the apartment, sat in my car, fell asleep, two hours later the guys in the big red truck said it was ok to go back in… THE TV WAS SAFE!!! Thank God. Just in case anyone was wondering, my building wasn’t on fire. The building behind me was the one with the issue. All I know is that the sprinklers went off and there was a smoky tinge to the air so hopefully nothing serious happened.

So,there IS a point to this long drawn out never ending story, I swear. From the time we’re kids running around the school yard, to the time we get to the big bad grown up world, we get pretty desensitized to some very important things (like fire alarms). We get older and get our independence and want to do what we want when we want. We get further from the nest and the little things we learned back in grade número uno just kind of fade away… There’s a lot we star ignoring (like our parents) but, right now I’m talking about safety protocol stuff. Fire alarms start being ignored, we don’t walk to the cross walk to cross the street, some of us forget our seatbelts and, lots of other really small things that kept us out of life threatening situations.

What other kinds of things do you ignore that your parents spent endless amounts of time drilling into your head? Leave a comment and tell me a story…

Lex
Ohkami’s Voice

Don’t Stop Howling…

Bionic Finger Typing

February 5, 2011

Oh God! No! It’s happened! I’ve finally fallen between the cracks into the bottomless abyss of flaky bloggers. When I started this thing I told myself I wouldn’t one of those people who starts a blog and six weeks into it let’s it die out like an old cow banished from the farm… Well… I’m still mooing. I’m back and better than ever. I’ve been upgraded with bionic fingers for faster more powerful typing. My optic receptors (aka my eyes) have been upgraded for faster reading. My buns have been refabricated with steel for more efficient sitting and the piece de resistance; my brain machine is now running on a futuristic beta version of leppord osx from apple… In case you were wondering how I came into possession of the wonderful new parts, well, I LEARNED TO TIME TRAVEL! at this point jealousy should be coursing through your veins….

You also may be asking, ” Well how do I learn to navigate through the sands of time?” I’m sorry to be the bear (Get it? “BEAR”?!?!?) of bad news but I alone hold this secret… I’m pretty sure if I let the secret of time travel over the interwebs the future ruler of Earth may be a little upset with me. By the way, the future ruler of Earth; it’s ME!

Anyway I’ll cut things short right about here… I just wanted to get back into the swing of things with a something light hearted and fun. There’s no need to take me serious; for now. I’ll most definitely be posting more and I want to give a humongous shout out to Jasmin (I hope that’s your name joshlin01@aim.com) she left me a comment on my last post that brought me back… It’s good to know somebody reads this stuff other than my mom. I love you mom, please don’t stop reading; then it’ll only be me and Jasmin…

Lex
Ohkami’s voice

Don’t Stop Howling…

Swallowed by X-mas…

December 24, 2010

I feel like I’m missing Christmas… It’s a little past two o’clock in the mornign on christmas eve and I’m feeling really antsy. For a few weeks now I’ve been trying to rush through my days just to get to Christmas morning. I WANT MY PRESENTS! About a week ago my dad calls me and informs me, out of the blue, that he was in the middle of buying my Christmas gift. What?! My dad tells me that he felt that I was mature enough to know what I was getting and he just wanted to know some specifics like what color and which model and stuff like that… Me? Mature? Not usually. He was totally wrong aboout that one.

That phone call threw me totally out of whack. Now all I can think about is playing with my new camera. So when I got back home for the holidays I did what any eager beaver would do (did I really just call myself and “eager beaver”?). I asked my mother for my gift early. I should have asked my dad. My mother stares at me like she was putting me in a jedi choke hold. It was so much worse than getting the stink eye… After releasing me from her visual death grip she denies that I got ANYTHING at all. My mother is such a good liar. The way she said it made me feel like the phone call from my dad never happened or, I wished it never happened.

Ever since then I’ve been bidding my time and rushing through my days like a materialistic zombie. What is wrong with me? Christmas is about being with your family and friends and enjoying all the other amazing stuff; like eggnog. I admit I that I knew this before but, I ignored it totally when I had a flashy new gadget dangling infront of my face. X-mas almost swallowed me whole. I’m glad I’ve got time to still enjoy the holiday but, new toys always help.

Have you ever been swallowed by X-mas? Are gifts getting in the way of all the other great stuff Christmas has to offer? Will Santa ever forgive me!?

Santa Goes Green?

December 21, 2010

A friend informed me earlier that I was getting coal for Christmas… There’s nothing new about that. I can’t remember why she felt the need to inform me of this but I think I said something “mean”. Anyway, I’ve gotten coal before. Apparently, getting coal is supposed to be a bad thing. I don’t think so. Coal is totally amazing. you can do so much with it. You can draw with it, start a fire, keep a fire going, you can throw it AND catch it, you can power a steam boat or an old-timey train, and you can eventually turn it into a diamond. If i got a gift like that I’d be psyched. You can’t do that with an iPad. Have you ever tried to start a fire with a digital camera? I would imagine it being really hard.

I half jokingly make my case and she decides to suck all the fun out of everything I’m saying by pointing out that “It kills mother earth.”.  Almost immediately, my face twists with agony in reaction to her unnecessarily placed  declaration of environmental consciousness. I guess she woke  up this morning and decided to hug a tree. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for recycling and driving hybrid cars but, I didn’t need the science lesson. So, to demonstrate how much I care, I suggest that she get in touch with Santa Clause because he seems to be a prominent coal distributor. And now she thinks “Santa is gross”.

Maybe Santa is gross. He hands out coal which apparently kills mother earth. “Gross” may not be the most appropriate word for this situation. We’ll go with “environmentally unsound”. Where does he get this coal from anyway? I don’t think there are any coal mines  in the North Pole but, I could be wrong. What do you think…

Is Santa gross? Does he care about the environment? Should Santa’s workshop go green?

Accidentally Creeptastic

December 20, 2010

God, I love my family… As I’ve embarked on this bloggular journey, my family unit has been totally supportive. My dad was pretty much the reason I started the whole thing anyway. Dad bought me a book. Dad said read the book. I read the book. The book said blog. I say “About what?”. The book says nothing. Dad says “Use your brain.”. I use my brain. Brain begins to hurt. Brain falls on the keyboard. Brain starts blog. And they all lived happily ever after. Now my massive following of zero subscribers seems to be almost unmanageable (the fan mail just keeps rolling in).

Fan mail aside, I got my first comment the other day. I was almost too excited about it. I saw the little notification floating beside my comments tab and pretty much jumped out of my chair with pure joy coursing through my intestines. Before I could click the magical button that would open the door to my blogging future… my battery dies (two thumbs up for crappy PC). Thanks PC you’re the best. Maybe one day I’ll grow up and get a computer that doesn’t run on chocolate covered candies (I tend to eat them before the blog is done). I rummage through the unpacked boxes of crap I never thought I would need, sitting in the back of my closet, and find the extra battery I “borrowed” from my sister’s laptop.

I race back to my PC (PC hates me), slap in the new old battery and, prepare for the awesomeness that is my first comment. This is the part where I get a phone call from home. It’s my mom! Yay! We talk for a bit as the ten minute start-up process commences for my incredibly speedy PC. I finally get far enough to check my comment and it’s from a person calling themselves LadyK22.

In this particular post I make a joke about buying a hug from a hooker for Christmas (funny, right?). I read the comment and it says, “I got the hug covered…….now for the rest, well…………” Hmmm, if you don’t read that in a completely innocent context (which I didn’t) then it could sound a little creepy. To me, it sounded kind of creepy. At this point my mother reveals to me that she left me a little comment on my “blog thing” earlier that “will give you a little tickle.” I put two and two together… Now I’m stuck debating with myself on whether or not a comment from my mother even counts.

I know my mom meant that comment in the sweetest most innocent of ways BUT, it’s just so much more fun to misinterpret things almost purposely. So, instead of her comment meaning that she’s happy to give me a (free) hug, I accidentally decided to interpret it as her letting me know that I should be expecting a repaid hug from a hooker on Christmas morn (two thumbs way up for holiday hookers). How sweet…

Other than the accidentally creeptastic comments from my mom, the rest of the family has been pretty supportive. My dad came by and read enough of this stuff to point out that I wasn’t using the letter “i” properly. Apparently you’re supposed to capitalize it when it’s alone, go figure. My brother actually read a post. I think he only read the one mentioning him (that’s not selfish or narcissistic at all). Promptly after reading it he calls me and asks how I could write such slanderous things about him… He was kidding. I’ll probably be getting a call or two from home about this one too. I’m not sure if my sister has actually read anything here but, she was present when my mother decided to read it aloud at Thanksgiving to my grandmother, who couldn’t stop laughing as she rushed out of the front door. I’m not sure if she was being polite or having a “senior moment”. As for my granddad, I’m not really sure if he knows how to use the internet (or even cares). I’m pretty sure he’s content with his morning paper and coffee… You gotta love a guy like that: classic.

If you want to see my mother’s amazing comment (and the post it’s attached to)just follow the link below
http://ohkamisvoice.com/2010/12/18/knee-deep-in-christmas-lists/

Lex

Don’t Stop Howling…
OhKami’s Voice

Over-Worked and Under-Appreciated

December 19, 2010

While I was growing up my parents never told me that santa did or didn’t exist, they said my imagination did all the work for them. At the expense of sounding a tad narcissistic I’d have to say I love my imagination. It’s always working in some pretty unpredictable ways.

Santa gets way too much credit for his job… Giving Santa Clause all of this credit for delivering presents is like singing happy songs about the mailman for bringing you the iPad you ordered back in June.  Instead of waiting for you to answer the doorbell he takes it upon himself to climb onto the roof of your house, slide down your chimney, and plant mysteriously gained products amidst your holiday decorations. Sound sketchy to you?

All these years I’ve had my suspicions about this “Santa Clause” guy… He’s just a figure-head for the giant Elf conglomerate biding it’s time until it fulfills it ultimate goal of world domination. Ok, maybe I’m embellishing just a little too much but, I do think that elves are under appreciated. No one ever sends the elves gifts or, leaves them fresh-baked cookies in a plastic wrap covered holiday plate (santa could totally take those cookies back to the north pole for them). No one sings songs about a stressed out little elf who saved Christmas by transferring Santa’s naughty/nice list into a functioning LAN database program in order to save time and parchment so they could make more baby dolls and 3D televisions while santa learns to use his iPhone to check his delivery route and post twitpics at the same time (that would be a really long song).

How does Santa keep up with all the cool new stuff that comes out every other day? He Doesn’t! All Santa does is hang around the water cooler until December 24th when he realizes that he’s the only one who can drive the sleigh. Think about it, what makes more sense: a fat old guy in a furry red suit and big black snow boots shimmying down a chimney (who the heck even has a chimney anymore) or, swift-footed elves squeezing through small spaces (such as air vents or unlocked windows)? When you compare the two the evidence would definitely lead me to believe that two or three elves could totally kick Santa’s butt in a gift delivering race… But, that’s only an assumption. By the way I’m pretty sure Mr. Clause actually skipped my house last years and, I don’t really appreciate it. I won’t inquire as to why it happened but, it happened.

What I’m trying to say is, give the elves their just dues. Send them a thank you note or a gift card to baby gap. Do something nice for an underappreciated part of the work force. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to keep going back to work every day if no one ever appreciated what you did and gave all the credit to some chubby old guy with too  much facial hair and a subtlety offensive laugh (ho ho ho? Yeah right. Can you say “pretentious”?).

So, write a song about an elf, leave some extra cookies (make sure you label them “4 elfz”), or send an extra letter. You never know, maybe you’ll get a “real” diamond in that engagement ring your boyfriend didn’t buy for you or, an extra 8 inches on that TV your wife said you didn’t need. You can make it happen with just a little “Thank You.”

This message has been approved by the Global Incorporation For Trinkets (G.I.F.T.) and elves everywhere (by that I mean the North Pole).

Lex

Don’t Stop Howling…
OhKami’s Voice